Verity of Silents

The quiet brakes down on me like waterfall

no words no company but my own

what more is there to be then the person I am now.

people come and go

but mostly they keep going...

I am stuck in this waterfall of endless silent

scared of taking a step fearing that it will be my undoing

slowly the silent waterfall turns into my own voice

we become one.

I am still the Amerra I once was

but cautious and knowing.

I no longer look for the company others seem to seek

I look only to continue in being.

I look for a place to rest my head.

the pounding in my mind ever grows

my silent ways becoming normal.

My verity of my life slips in and out with thought

what is verity in this world.. non have proven non shall know

non will know my verity until proven

they truly wish to know whom I am.

Inspirations... echoes of people of past.

After a while you start looking back at the people in your life and realize the people who have inspired you time and time again.

The people who showed so deeply that they cared about you.. there was no pushing them away... no way to avoid their passion of life. I love these rare beautiful people. I miss them with all my heart.

The person who shows the love they have for you... the person who despite all your faults never walks away... the person who it took death to tare them apart from you. I treasure the time I had with them.

On lonely nights such as the ones I've had of late.. these people I wish were here with me now, these people who turn my mind, my soul, my feelings into wants of conversations wants of comfort.
These nights I turn to the memory of inspirational echoes I once had. They are the ones that give me hope of one day finding someone who would inspire me once again.

Maybe one day I will love again, maybe one day I will feel respected and will respect in return, maybe one day I will deserve such a person in my life once again.

Uncertain

There are a lot of things uncertain in my life right now, a job, weather or not I can finish one of my dreams or even if I have dreams, a life of a friend, life of family, if I'll ever have a family of my own, if someone would even wish to be with me for time and all eternity, if I can secede in some point of my life, can I become the person that God sees, but I think it all boils down to I am uncertain about me. I don't always see where I fit.

Crazy or Not...

What happens when you start to enjoy talking to yourself? in the past when I have been more alone then normal I tend to talk more out loud... but what I can't figure is whether or not I'm going crazy or I am just getting use to my own mind... I am an artist.. so I know I have more crazy then maybe some... I am also the youngest makes me observant. I started talking to myself.. at the time my brother who I live with has been grumpy and honestly I don't think he even knows when I'm home anymore.. so I talk and I talk... then I realized that I really didn't mind my conversations with myself. Now maybe one day someone will tell me I'm insane or just adjusting to knowing my own mind.
I found that I don't want to be around people only because of how often trust has been broken. but that is alright for now.. after all I'm getting good at talking to the person in my head that is never there anyway.

Ear to my actions

I have sat for a very long time thinking of what I could be. I never dreamed I'd be at this point. The point where all I need to do is to carry on, to endure. Perhaps one day someone would see me as someone they could endure with, but as for now I walk only my path of faith, the faith of my family before me. their steps always so much larger then the small timid steps I take. At least I have made it to the home of the Savior. If I live or die at this point, well, that is up to Him. I do dream of dreams but I also see realty for what it is. I will take my road I have chosen one step at a time at the pace I have been given. For now I am ear to what it is I have done.

Cover

I have tried to settle my mind, but it can not stand still. One by one my thoughts ebb an grow with my breath. Burning stings behind my thoughts making me flinch. They hear silents from me and yet I can not see how they do not look closer. All they see is a cover of a book they never pick up.

Grief

There is a spot close to you heart that is connected to your emotions. Mine is in the middle of me. It is filed with hope, love, dreams, happiness, and joys. But it is also filed with pain, disappointment and grief.

For the past four years my middle has been filed with love that has been given by a good friend. This friend turned into a source of comfort, every day a message, every day a new dream.

There is an unspoken grief that comes with the passing of someone so close, one that never really goes away.

It turns all those hops to what ifs or what could have been but can never be ever again.

The pain that explodes in my middle is sharp and hard to heal. That hollow in my heart where that good friend use to feel is now empty and lost.

I'm left with letters that turn fond feelings in to grief. Left everyday hoping for a message that tells me of kindness, but instead the hope is replaced with disappointment. Left to my thoughts of memory's that have turned into pain.

perhaps one day that hollow will slowly feel again, perhaps one day it wont be grief anymore, but for now I am grief.