What is next?

When you heart wants to rip in two and all seems so bleak that you'll receive the hope you so desperately wish for, what is next?

I find myself in a two different minds where all is up in the air and you don't know what is going to make the fall. When all I've been hoping for are some words. Some strength of knowing, but all I have received has been dancing around the words. Never saying them. Never truly hearing them. So I do question if they are there at all.

Realizing that I have pushed so many people away just because that is all I know how to do. Knowing that people don't try to come back after. I think that is what is hard. knowing that in the end it is my fault for pushing, for building up walls so high that no one wants to climb them for fear of what they might find inside. I know, I know I put up my barriers. and truthfully I don't expect anyone to climb my walls or even nock them down. Maybe that is the problem there that I don't expect anyone.

I make things harder then they should be because of how I see. but I don't know how to see any other way. I am willing to learn. just need someone that is good at being a shrink.