Bold for Others

There is a saying that is when God closes a door somewhere he opens a window.

The only thing is it feels like He keeps opening the same window.

I am bound to this place of birth bound to my family in a way where I would do anything for them. I seek peace in my life. I seek some place for me to be free from always wanting someone near me, yet knowing that maybe people are better off without me in some ways. I hide from people not like I'm hiding behind a tree or anything but I hide my soul from those who walk around me.

I can be bold but not for me... for others and only for others.

-sigh-

Something so small can mean so much, the release of breath... for me it is acceptance of  is happening in my life. I wish it was a good sigh... I wish I could say it was a happy sigh... but the thing is, that its not. its the feeling of knowing that I can't do anything right that is worth while. I do my best not to show this to people but, I can't help this feeling. Every relationship that I have ever had has been a disaster. I desire people in my life but I feel like it does no good anymore... I do no good.. for them or myself. I want to go way to a solitude place where there would be no one to hurt. No one to push me to do the wrong thing.

What happens when you feel you've gone to far to come back. To far from all that is safe, and no one can reach you where you stand anymore? What happens when you find that you are one of the last others would think of? When everyone you care about wont take the time to talk to you. When a game is more important then you are?

I am so tired of these feelings. So tired of feeling useless. I have tried time and time again to not care what others thing of me and yet its in my bones to think such things... no wonder I can't find someone who could and would have me.

I am stuck. and I want to disappear form all of these feelings.

Doors

I was sitting out side of a door looking at the light that pressed through from the other side. there wasn't much I knew about what was beyond those doors, and yet, I knew it was someplace wonderful. I looked down at my feet where darkness was and realized I was stuck the cords of darkness inspired by the past would not leave my mind. My hands trembled more then normal the pain in my stomach grew as it sometimes would do. I closed my eyes to find myself in a painted world with roads spread before me.  I looked back down at my feet knowing well that they were stuck and yet I picked up one foot and placed it in front of the other. I started to walk the unmarked roads behind my eyelids searching for some direction. In someway I always thought I'd see the light from those doors but they never came. Every so often I would open my eyes to the black and white world of dark and light, I would see the doors and light spreading under the door I would then look down at my body to where darkness lived and I would cry out for help... the cries never carried far for the darkness would snatch the words right when they left my lips. I close my eyes and continue down the maze of roads with no direction.