Lessons Learned

I have a knack for not just seeing what people go through but feeling it almost like I were them. Sometimes I don't even have to know them... I can see it their faces. because of this I have always put others first and at times this has caused me pain deep with in me. So, the questions is-"Have I learned my lesson?" a few years ago I ended up in a relationship that would have turned me into a shell of a person had I not had those who truly loved me step in and carried me out. It was the time of my life that I was offered to step out of my heart to "fix" his.

I still to this day have a hard time thinking that I was in the wrong. I wasn't abused in the normal faction no fist no discomfort other then the words he used to get me to do what he wanted. what he said would "relax" him. I was ashamed for how week I was. I would justify his words with the fact that I was "helping". I stopped talking to my family and friends and this is when I started cutting, it was a way to relive some pain in my soul or at least distract me from my betrayal of my creature. To put it simple I learn how much I could hate myself. I was going to sacrifice my self for his happiness. I knew I'd get worse. I knew I'd die unhappy if I married him... but I was "saving him".

The only thing that save me from this very unpleasant relationship was my sister. She had prayed hard before she came over to talk to me. The one thing she said that stuck was that it would be more painful to have my family watch me in a bad relationship then it would be for me to be in one. So to preserve my families feelings and with the help of my sister that relationship ended as well as the lies. I found out so much more about his creature when it all ended then I had in the time I dated him. The lies he told to keep me. the lies he told others to get what he wanted.

I will ever be grateful to the people who truly love me for helping me become who I am today.

At this point I still did not believe I was good or amazing, I did what I did to help those I loved not for self preservation. needless to say I never have had a good relation ship with a guy. "lesson learned?" at this point... NO. I still didn't learn my lesson.

What lesson would I be talking about?... that is an important question. How can I love myself if I do not believe I am of any worth? Where is my hope.. my hope for myself of my future?

I've always had a hard time forgiving myself and as such I always looked back at my actions and say "See, I couldn't do it then, how can I do it now?" People would tell me how "amazing" I am and how talented a person I am, and I'd never truly believe them because well... they didn't really "know" what was inside of me.

Lesson- Stop beating yourself up for your past.

I did not like even at the time what I had done. If I stopped those mistakes from happening again why look back and muddy your mind with unpleasant thoughts?

Lesson- If you are not still doing what you didn't like about yourself... why not forgive yourself?

This is something only recently I have started to allow myself to consider.

Lesson- finding happiness takes looking at the good you have done and the good you will get to do if you just keep your eye on... THE GOOD.

I've always had a hard time believing I could make anything of myself... well because I was focused on the bad.

Lesson- Sometimes you have to put yourself first- especially when the others don't have your best interest in their hearts.

The hardest lesson I have yet to fully grasp, but yet I am getting there. Everything takes time... and more important everything needs hope, faith and God. Learning heaven is a life long lesson.

Next Lesson- learning where my hope is in myself.