Reading

I've always loved my mother's voice, and I believe its because she always read me books. Yes, those children books, I can't forget them. The only thing is... I never like reading. its always been very difficult for me. Reading always took me longer, the words would always break my brain. I liked skipping over the middle of the word and just guess what that word was... I was wrong a lot, but as I grew and my education became more pushed I had to stop guessing. The words would still break me though... but really, I always thought things should be spelled how they sound... right? No, no, hardly ever right? I grew to being embarrassed by my own brain, I grew to think that I was stupid. I knew I had dyslexia, but what did that even mean? I was different... I could see the word but my brain did not like what it saw so it would send me a blank jumble of blackness. Only later on in my teen years did I start to overcome this block enough to start to open books up for myself and read... and complete them. Now I have read many books... and I'm proud that I can really read a book. I feel amazing when I finish a book, really complete. Books are now growth for my imagination a center to begin a new creation.

Not Christmas Anymore

Its almost Christmas. truthfully I am having a hard time of it this year. I have no way to give anything but of my time. I am young and single with for the first time sense I was 15, jobless. Everyone is going about there lives, they are all getting very excited for Christmas, but not me... I haven't been excited for Christmas for a few years now. I do love the music and the family time that sometimes comes with Christmas, but, I don't know, it seems like its all going away for me. I realized that I am become more bitter. This has been coming on for a long time I think. First you work retell and people are angry because you don't have what they want, or its not the right price. Christmas is stress. it use to be a time of giving but what happens when you have nothing to give but time, and it seems no one wants your time. You start putting on the face, that happy one that every one expects. You can't just tell people that they are being selfish, but maybe its just me turning into a person that's not likely to marry or be marry anymore. Yes, I have a mask on. My body feel like  its going to tare itself apart if I eat more then a half cup of anything. Christmas is about social eating, I have to skip eating a lot now. Christmas is about love, I give what I have to my family. I don't have much more then that. Christmas is not Christmas anymore. Its just another day.

Falling out of the world and into silents once again.

I walk a path and yet it's on a island of truth. It is true that there are less and less people that walk with me. But that is how my life has always been. Quiet and watchful. I bring this on myself. A way to learn, and it is perhaps the harder way. I seem to choose the hard way every time.  So, yet again I must become comfortable with my own thoughts.  I walk in my own way... I see when others chooses not to. Diving into a fall that may never truly end. The dust of my heart has clouded my surroundings of this fall. I have no clue where I will land or if this landing will brake me further or gather my heart dust making it into something new and truly of worth. 

Lessons Learned

I have a knack for not just seeing what people go through but feeling it almost like I were them. Sometimes I don't even have to know them... I can see it their faces. because of this I have always put others first and at times this has caused me pain deep with in me. So, the questions is-"Have I learned my lesson?" a few years ago I ended up in a relationship that would have turned me into a shell of a person had I not had those who truly loved me step in and carried me out. It was the time of my life that I was offered to step out of my heart to "fix" his.

I still to this day have a hard time thinking that I was in the wrong. I wasn't abused in the normal faction no fist no discomfort other then the words he used to get me to do what he wanted. what he said would "relax" him. I was ashamed for how week I was. I would justify his words with the fact that I was "helping". I stopped talking to my family and friends and this is when I started cutting, it was a way to relive some pain in my soul or at least distract me from my betrayal of my creature. To put it simple I learn how much I could hate myself. I was going to sacrifice my self for his happiness. I knew I'd get worse. I knew I'd die unhappy if I married him... but I was "saving him".

The only thing that save me from this very unpleasant relationship was my sister. She had prayed hard before she came over to talk to me. The one thing she said that stuck was that it would be more painful to have my family watch me in a bad relationship then it would be for me to be in one. So to preserve my families feelings and with the help of my sister that relationship ended as well as the lies. I found out so much more about his creature when it all ended then I had in the time I dated him. The lies he told to keep me. the lies he told others to get what he wanted.

I will ever be grateful to the people who truly love me for helping me become who I am today.

At this point I still did not believe I was good or amazing, I did what I did to help those I loved not for self preservation. needless to say I never have had a good relation ship with a guy. "lesson learned?" at this point... NO. I still didn't learn my lesson.

What lesson would I be talking about?... that is an important question. How can I love myself if I do not believe I am of any worth? Where is my hope.. my hope for myself of my future?

I've always had a hard time forgiving myself and as such I always looked back at my actions and say "See, I couldn't do it then, how can I do it now?" People would tell me how "amazing" I am and how talented a person I am, and I'd never truly believe them because well... they didn't really "know" what was inside of me.

Lesson- Stop beating yourself up for your past.

I did not like even at the time what I had done. If I stopped those mistakes from happening again why look back and muddy your mind with unpleasant thoughts?

Lesson- If you are not still doing what you didn't like about yourself... why not forgive yourself?

This is something only recently I have started to allow myself to consider.

Lesson- finding happiness takes looking at the good you have done and the good you will get to do if you just keep your eye on... THE GOOD.

I've always had a hard time believing I could make anything of myself... well because I was focused on the bad.

Lesson- Sometimes you have to put yourself first- especially when the others don't have your best interest in their hearts.

The hardest lesson I have yet to fully grasp, but yet I am getting there. Everything takes time... and more important everything needs hope, faith and God. Learning heaven is a life long lesson.

Next Lesson- learning where my hope is in myself.

Bold for Others

There is a saying that is when God closes a door somewhere he opens a window.

The only thing is it feels like He keeps opening the same window.

I am bound to this place of birth bound to my family in a way where I would do anything for them. I seek peace in my life. I seek some place for me to be free from always wanting someone near me, yet knowing that maybe people are better off without me in some ways. I hide from people not like I'm hiding behind a tree or anything but I hide my soul from those who walk around me.

I can be bold but not for me... for others and only for others.

-sigh-

Something so small can mean so much, the release of breath... for me it is acceptance of  is happening in my life. I wish it was a good sigh... I wish I could say it was a happy sigh... but the thing is, that its not. its the feeling of knowing that I can't do anything right that is worth while. I do my best not to show this to people but, I can't help this feeling. Every relationship that I have ever had has been a disaster. I desire people in my life but I feel like it does no good anymore... I do no good.. for them or myself. I want to go way to a solitude place where there would be no one to hurt. No one to push me to do the wrong thing.

What happens when you feel you've gone to far to come back. To far from all that is safe, and no one can reach you where you stand anymore? What happens when you find that you are one of the last others would think of? When everyone you care about wont take the time to talk to you. When a game is more important then you are?

I am so tired of these feelings. So tired of feeling useless. I have tried time and time again to not care what others thing of me and yet its in my bones to think such things... no wonder I can't find someone who could and would have me.

I am stuck. and I want to disappear form all of these feelings.

Doors

I was sitting out side of a door looking at the light that pressed through from the other side. there wasn't much I knew about what was beyond those doors, and yet, I knew it was someplace wonderful. I looked down at my feet where darkness was and realized I was stuck the cords of darkness inspired by the past would not leave my mind. My hands trembled more then normal the pain in my stomach grew as it sometimes would do. I closed my eyes to find myself in a painted world with roads spread before me.  I looked back down at my feet knowing well that they were stuck and yet I picked up one foot and placed it in front of the other. I started to walk the unmarked roads behind my eyelids searching for some direction. In someway I always thought I'd see the light from those doors but they never came. Every so often I would open my eyes to the black and white world of dark and light, I would see the doors and light spreading under the door I would then look down at my body to where darkness lived and I would cry out for help... the cries never carried far for the darkness would snatch the words right when they left my lips. I close my eyes and continue down the maze of roads with no direction.